Crying Out Loud

I may look steady. I may sound certain about my own goals in life, about the future that’s ahead of me, about the desires I have that’s driving my actions day by day. I may give you the ‘you-don’t understand-what-I’m-on-but-I-totally-do’ impression. Seriously, I may do.

But, even then, I’m still human.

And that only means I have doubts.

I doubt even the slightest move I make, even the tiniest bit of decision I create, even the smallest things I say. When I said my mind was like a blank tunnel, I actually meant it. I can’t feel things as much as others do. I couldn’t care less about what society has tried to put me under. I hesitate, yes. But, I also don’t care much about it.

That’s until someone actually said something about it.

It probably sounds simple, but it’s not.  You judged me by what was seen to you. You thought that was very normal because you were sure your judgement was right, and I was supposed to reflect on myself because I’d been doing everything wrong. You might compare myself to yours, and by that, made comments to every little things I’d done.

But that’s not it.

If I were very uncertain about myself, that’d be okay. If I were fully sure about myself, that’d also be okay. The problem is that I’m in between. I might remind myself that I’ve had everything controlled, that I’m working hard to make things better. But, there are these doubts. Doubts that even I might be wrong about it. Just a tiny bit, but it was more than enough to create this mess.

Exactly why I was offended.

I didn’t plan on causing this kind of scene, nor did I know I was about to let you step on my self-confidence. I came with nothing, and for nothing, but you–innocently saying things as if I were that naive and you weren’t. It was hard for me, not for you. You probably didn’t feel a thing, but I felt all sorts of pain.

“Just don’t interfere with my life,” was what I told you. But, even so, the doubts were still there–getting bigger and bigger as I cried out loud.

You shouted back at me, telling me I was too stiff and I stuck too much on my own principles. I could only remain silent because that proved me right–you never understood me from the first place.

What makes me so sure?

Well, you don’t even know I’m doubting myself so hard.

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