So I went home early because I thought I needed sleep, but ended up sitting in front of my laptop writing this. I slept at three last night, which was certainly not the first time since I used to do that everyday during secondary school, but still felt like I just got all my energy drained from my body. Did I feel this way during secondary school, too? Maybe. But I certainly didn’t care, while I do now.
You might be wondering why I started off with a weird intro like this, or why I’m using a very serious tone compared to my usual read-to-laugh random talks. Yeah, I wondered that, too. But I guess things just changed a lot since the last time I wrote something here–or it might have changed since long before, but my writings didn’t show a single clue. See, I went through my old posts during some hard times and found out that I’m just not the same anymore. Some thoughts I shared here even surprised me, like, “Wait, did I really think that way?” “No, no, no, this is just not right.” And so on, and so on. My personal favorite post was that one where I wrote 200 facts about myself by request. I just want to say thank you to whoever requested me to do that. It was so much fun reading them again one by one and laughing my ass off at certain numbers. No, I won’t add the link here. Won’t embarrass myself twice. Most of the ‘facts’ there aren’t even valid anymore, so…
Back to the main topic, I initially wrote this post for no particular reason. I just thought I should greet you at least once this year, and it’s already March all at once so I figured if I didn’t write sooner, it’d be an undone work till 2018, or 2019, or 2020. Gosh, I’d be 20 by then. It feels really weird imagining that. Where would I be? In college, doing some work or hanging out with people I’m yet to know right now?
(Okay, sorry. I kind of went off road there. I guess this is one of the main changes that occurred to me during the past year : I overthink too much. And yes, I put ‘over’ and ‘too much’ in one sentence on purpose, because it’s kind of severe when I think about it.)
Anyway, I found a purpose after reading my old posts and just kind of lay in bed staring at the ceiling : I might as well write whatever goes on my mind right now. (Not) All the thoughts that’s been bugging me and such, just so in the future I can read this again and realize what kind of changes happened by then. This might sound weird coming from a 16 year old (or is it not?) but I don’t care. People have their own ways of entertaining themselves anyway.
So, in the past year, I felt like I’ve just become more… human. I know I was nowhere near immune to feelings, but lately, I’ve been feeling things more often, and deeper as well. If you’re reading this thinking I’m talking about love, you probably are a 16 year old yourself, or younger–or you’re just another person who thinks a teenager’s life always revolves around things like that. But no, I’m not talking about that. In fact, it is much wider. I fell in love, yes, but there was a lot more. I got disappointed, I felt inferior to people, I felt like I lack spirit, I was exhausted, I… okay, I’ll stop. There was too much. Reading this, you might think I’m a pathetic introvert who spends time reading books inside my room without coming out even once. No, but also yes. I don’t know, actually. This is one of my main concerns : I don’t understand myself. People be telling me to ‘be yourself’, but when I asked them “What am I like, then?” they asked back, “Why asking? You should know yourself.” Well, because I… don’t?
(I certainly don’t read books inside my room without coming out, tho. Just fyi.)
I’ve faced this long enough to realize that it was overthinking that killed me. By overthinking, I developed insecurities I’ve never faced before, anxieties I was new to. This might be part of why I’m changing. Nowadays, I kind of want to read biographies, poems, and the likes–things I would NEVER pick up being a secondary school student. I appreciate quotes–I screenshot them often. I never did that. I bought a very cute book to write poems myself and bring colored markers to school everyday. I wear jacket and cloth mask at school sometimes. Little changes, I know. But still, when I looked back, I wouldn’t call it that.
Few months ago I was concerned about my skin. I have a severe acne problem and it was stressing me so much. I had days when I didn’t want to look in the mirror. I had days when I brought a mirror everywhere just to check if new pimples are forming somewhere. I cried a lot that time. Sometimes I would sit alone and just feel so sad about it I cried again. I tried everything, and it was my whole world. I thought about it like every second. And yes, I’m not ashamed to write it here, because that’s basically what happened. Did my friends know? No. I did cry once at school during an extracurricular activity and went on to have a personal chat with the teacher in charge. She knew, but my friends probably thought I cried because of something else. I didn’t tell. You might think this is a form of exaggeration, and talking about it, it does sound like that. But it went beyond that. Some people who’s facing the same problem might relate to this. If they don’t, then lucky them. I wish I cared less about this like you do. Must be nice. Anyway, I got over it. Skin got slightly better but not healed yet. I don’t think much about it anymore, though. At least it’s not stressing me out to the point where I cry randomly anymore.
You thinking it’s a good thing?
Well, you are WRONG. The reason I didn’t think much about it anymore is because other things came up and I started thinking about those other things instead. Which means, more stressful things.
In secondary school, I used to only care about my grades–and some of the people I considered my friends. Now I care about strangers’ opinion, and that’s killing me. When I looked at old photos I realized that I used to have no friends. Okay, maybe 2-3 close friends and some acquaintances, but certainly not many. I used to not care about it, though. I was a total bitch in elementary and secondary school. Now thinking about it, I regretted so many things. Like, I wish I had approached A and talked to her. I wish I hadn’t picked fights with B and C. I wish I was less emotional. I wish… I wish…
I won’t be right where I am right now if I had become human sooner. I realize that most of the people who are close friends now know each other either from elementary school or secondary school. In high school, you kind of get friendly with everyone but rarely become really close with new people. Well, of course, there will be new people you’re going to be close with, but not many. Not more than 10, I’d say, or even 5. It’s gonna be hard if you didn’t act nice during elementary or secondary school. (At least that’s the case here because I live in a small city where you basically only have 2-3 popular schools). It’s not like I don’t have friends. I have many. I know many people as well, compared to a lot of people. But I still don’t feel that way. I tend to compare myself to person A, to person B, and then got sad all by myself. Like, he’s so friendly, I wish I could be like him. People tell her all sorts of things, she’s a nice listener. She has so many friends, why can’t I be like her? I talked to my close friends about this. They actually got confused. One of them said something like, “I don’t see what you’re concerning about? What part of you is anti-social?” Another said, “I thought you were more social than me? Like, you have more friends than me?”
So I guess I’m just thinking too much?
Is it a part of growing up, I wonder?
I mean, it is kind of unrealistic anyway to be friends and hangout with everyone, especially if you just jumped from being a total bitch to a normal person (am I a normal person now, though? I think about that one a lot, too.) Even so, I can’t stop myself from being sad at times, especially when I’m alone. It’s eating me up, actually.
If you think this is exaggerating again, I’d say maybe you’re right? I shouldn’t write all this actually. What if my friends read this and think I’m pathetic? et cetera et cetera. But I think this will be a very important phase in my life–where I overthink about a lot of things. So, I figured I’ll need something to remind future me about this. Maybe when I’ve found my place, when I’ve understood myself, I’ll read this again and see this as some kind of achievement? Who knows.
I think most people my age also experience the same insecurities at times, tho. Or girls, maybe? I’m not a boy so I don’t know. However, I don’t think a lot of them decide to write it down. I don’t even think they tell people at all about this kind of things. I don’t tell many people as well before, maybe just like 1-2 people and some close friends when I got the chance, but I figured it’d be best to tell future me instead.
I hope this kind of deep thoughts don’t set me apart too much from others. Or if it does, I hope it’s in a good way. Fyi, you won’t be able to tell that I’m thinking this way if you meet me in real life. Just saying. I’m not a girl you’ll find sitting at the corner of the classroom alone thinking, or MIA on group chats. I’m far from that. I just need to get rid of my insecurities and maybe things will get a lot better. I’m starting to see myself in a different light, anyway. I actually do things out of nowhere. I actually make initiatives. I reached out to some of my old friends I’m not close with anymore. I greet people. Well, I’m hoping that would mean a change in a good way. I don’t know yet, though. I’m still trying, and I just hope I won’t be trying too hard.
So I’ll just continue being the me that’s more human. I’ll let myself have insecurities. I’ll let myself care for people. I’ll let myself figure out the way. This post sounds nothing like me. In fact, this sounds very cheesy and idealistic. But believe me, I’m writing this for good.
The old me would have no problem writing this kind of post, but now I really feel like this post is very self-centered. For that, I’m sorry. I’m sure most of you don’t even read up to this point. It’s okay, it’s better that way. I still have a lot to say, but you’ll probably roll your eyes to them.
So this post is to greet you, but it is actually from me, to me.